Freeway: 10 Exits For You To Consider Taking

If you'd asked me what I thought would be the thing that inspired me to blog on Weekend Fat again...I would have said one of these things:

John Mayer declares his new life of celibacy.
Leo and Kate finally profess their undying love for each other and live happily ever after.
Marcus Mumford proposes to me.

None of those things have happened...and yet here we are.

The other day on Hulu, they released a list of "Road Trippin" movies. Now when I think of movies with road trips I think of Forces of Nature, Thelma and Louise, Elizabethtown, Little Miss Sunshine, Almost Famous, and of course, Road Trip. But Hulu didn't mention those movies...instead the first one on the list was called: Freeway.

There will be blood.

Freeway stars Reese Witherspoon, Kiefer Sutherland, Brooke Shields, Brittany Murphy, Dan Hedaya, Michael T. Weiss, Amanda Plummer, and Guillermo Diaz (Huck from Scandal). Even if you think you don't know some of those names, I promise you have seen all of those people in something. Also, Oliver Stone was the Executive Producer.

The movie came out in 1996 and the basic plot summary is as follows: Troubled teen girl from troubling home gets in trouble. A more extensive plot summary would tell you that this teen girl meets up with a serial killer on her way to her grand mother's house...the movie describes itself as a "Modern Day Little Red Riding Hood." Indeed. Reese does wear a lot of red in the movie.

I sat down yesterday with some hours in front of me to watch TV and thought, sounds promising. Good actors, decent movie decade, action/redemption story...sure...why not...

 HERE IS WHY NOT.

1. Whatever image you have of Reese Witherspoon in your head will be destroyed forever. The language that comes out of her mouth in this movie was shocking. SHOCKING I SAY! The F word the N word the C word the P word the X word...oh you didn't know there was an X word....WELL THERE IS. If Reese was anything like this when she was pulled over in Atlanta, it's surprising that she's not behind bars. Gone is the Southern Belle that fills your favorite RomCom roles...enter this monster who overacts EVERY SINGLE WORD and does so in a way that makes you cringe. It's truly horrifying to watch.

2. While it might not change your view of Kiefer, given that he does play a scumbag rather well, he is especially repulsive in this movie.

3. Sexual content. Look...you know I don't get upset about these kinds of things usually...and the movie itself doesn't have a lot of sex in it, but the way sexual acts are talked about in the movie made me extremely uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's the heinous things that Reese's character has to go through, or the way everyone in the movie seems to be overacting therefore bring some kind of unintended comedy to what should be a very serious topic...but something about the way these things get addressed just made me feel dirty.

I know, it just seems wrong.

4. Brooke Shields. There is exactly 1 movie role that Brooke Shields is qualified for...Blue Lagoon. Which was 33 years ago (yeah, I said it 33). In Freeway, her role as supportive wife to Kiefer, her serial killer husband, is less than believable, and quite honestly, when she blows her brains out at the end, it's a relief.

5. Brains blown all over the wall. I already mentioned language and sex, but this movie has some violence that kind of pushes the envelope for me too. And sometimes the blood just comes out of no where! Like there's a slap, and then a ton of blood and then a gunshot. Which brings me to...

6. Horrible editing. I can't say I normally notice things like this. I am a content kind of girl. I look at the plot and characters before I look at the way a movie is assembled. But there are just so many obvious, glaring holes in this one. At times the continuity is so bad that it's almost like the characters have teleported, moved without walking, due to poorly pieced together takes.

7. Brittany Murphy. Look, I am a huge Brittany Murphy fan. While her acting career was short, I think she really nailed some great roles. What troubles me about this movie is that it was after her breakout part in Clueless. I think her agent must have said, "hey, it's got Reese in it!" and based on her recent Alicia Silverstone success, she jumped on it. Only...she shouldn't have. She plays a huffing-addicted lesbian who comes on to Reese during her brief stay in the juvenile prison. Only, I think Reese's contract must have had a "no lesbian make out" clause in it, which is a little interesting given the amount of racial slurs she blurts out in the movie. But it was the 90's...where some things were still more acceptable than others. ANYWAY...Brittany ends up making out with Reese's neck, which is horribly awkward. The only thing I can think is that this little role opened up the door for her much more substantial visit to crazy town in Girl, Interrupted. God bless the broken road...

8. A lot of guns get pointed at a lot of heads in Freeway. Which is possibly a metaphor/over-the-top symbol for someone holding a gun to the heads of these actors, producers, and even Danny Elfman (music man), threatening them to make this movie or else. I've heard George Clooney talk about making Oceans 11, 12, and 13, so he could make Syriana. Maybe this was like that...these actors all had things they wanted to do, but their contracts required this first. Or maybe there was an actual gun to their heads. My guess is that the holder of the gun was Mary Vernieu. She's the casting director of the movie. And her credits are beyond amazing. Most recently she's responsible for the casting of Silver Linings Playbook, Black Swan, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Looper. Did she call in some favors? What does she have on these people?

9. If you've read this blog before, you know that I am a Christian. I even went to seminary. In one of my classes, we were taught how to convert people. How to approach people with the message of the Gospel. I find that class extremely ridiculous now, but one of the methods they taught as a "last ditch effort" was basically saying to someone, "look, what do you have to lose? believe in Jesus and when this life is over if it's all true, you go to heaven...if it's not true...then what does it matter.?" Solid faith right there. ANYWAY. The only method that could possibly be less effective is the one where Reese is holding a gun to Kiefer's head and asks him if he accepts Jesus as his Lord and Savior. There's just so much wrong with this scene already. It's random and dirty, and then it tops off with this gem. I can't...even....

I mean, what have you got to lose?

10. I can think of approximately 8452 things you can do instead of watching this movie. Right off the top of my head. I won't list them all here, but just spit balling how about: sleeping, watching the random episode of 666 Park Avenue that showed up on my Hulu Queue this weekend, cleaning out your closet, driving to the nearest state line just for the hell of it, mending the hole in those pants on your dresser, and going for a run...in the 100 degree weather...through swarms of killer bees.

If I haven't convinced you, then you're probably like me. Your interest has been piqued and you cannot be swayed. It's free. It's on Hulu. And it sounds too...something...to be true. Here's the number 1 and possibly only reason you SHOULD watch....

So I am no longer alone in this.

Who is the wolf in this scenario?