Why YOU Deserve to be at The Oscars

I'm delusional. I'm also a narcissist. These two traits often lead me to thoughts that go something like this:
"I can eat that entire pizza with no consequences. I mean I'm really not that overweight."
"If I were on Gray's Anatomy, Dr. Avery would  be into me."

"I could totally do a cartwheel right now."

You can see how things get out of hand quickly. But last night as I watched the Oscars, I couldn't help but think...I could totally be there. And not just me, YOU too. We...should be at the Oscars. Here are a few reasons:

I've always depended on the kindness of celebrities.

1. You could give a better acceptance speech.
If you're a fan like me, you've seen the best and the worst of the speeches over the years. The memorable, and the ridiculous. Sally Field, Marlon Brando, Adrien Brody, Roberto Benigni, and Jack Palance are all key players in your mind when it comes to the fiasco that is the Oscar acceptance speech. These actors, after having a least a month to come to terms with the fact that they might have to formulate some words of thanks for winning such a prestigious award, somehow fail to deliver 90% of the time. We all know the drill. Begin with an emphatic statement and/or quote from the movie you were in. Thank the Academy, acknowledge your fellow nominees, thank the cast and crew, give an endearing remark about your family that reminds us you're a real person, and thank God if applicable to your religious leanings. End with an emphatic quote if you didn't open with one, if you did, then end with a nice pleasantry, a sincere smile, and an audience embracing hand gesture. Do not mention the music that's "gonna start playing any minute," it wastes precious time and we all know you're under the gun. Don't linger on any one of your other nominees, it seems trite and patronizing. Don't leave out your significant other (looking at you Swank). And don't mention Canada and what hard work it is to be married to Jennifer Garner! Come on Affleck...sounds like Celebrity Problems to me.

I love his beard, and I don't mean Jennifer Garner.

2. You know what to wear (and what not to!)
Marilyn Monroe once said, "Hollywood is the only place where you can die from encouragement." When you're a celebrity, people blow smoke up your ass. No one wants to be the person to tell Christina Hendricks to cover up her boobs or Angelina to tuck her leg back in. These actors and actresses don't have a friend in the world. Because, my friends tell me. "Leave your hair long. Don't go blonde again. Lay off the pizza." Their lack of affirmation communicates a lack of acceptance, and I pay attention to both their criticisms and their silence. Not because I think they are mean, but because I know they care. This has led me to a place where I wear clothes that generally compliment me. I know what colors wash me out. I know what I can't pull off. Because I'm a real person. As lovely as my friends are to me, they have no reason to lie. My self-awareness combined with my friends, punctuated by mother's sideways glance over her glasses asking, "You're gonna wear that?" are usually enough to steer me in the right direction. It must be lonely at the top...and there are obviously no mirrors up there either.

I want to laugh at their jokes!

3. You're ready for the "cut to" shot.
If only we could live our lives on multiple cameras. I watched House of Cards last night, and I would love a world where I could turn to the camera and give my aside, enriching my actions and environment. Award shows are known for their sudden "cut to" shots of celebrities that are being roasted at any given moment. Some of these people handle the moment with style and grace, but most of them look like a deer in the headlights. I think it's safe to say that you and I would be ready for the "cut to" shots. The pose, a stoic mouth turned slightly upward and smiling eyes that could read anything from "I'm gonna kill that bitch for saying that" to "How cute that I made it into the jokes." Bonus points for turning to the person sitting next to you and whispering your own joke in front of the camera. Make the people at home wonder what on earth you said to evoke THAT laugh from Julianne Moore!

Still standing...and hosting.

4. Elton John's Oscar party has NOTHING on yours.
My dream is to one day host an Oscar party that people will talk about for years to come! Maybe you already do that. Maybe your Pinterest is full of the kinds of ideas that turn a Shindig into a Brouhaha! With obscure Oscar trivia, movie posters of all the best pictures from the last 85 years and, a soundtrack straight from the stage, you can't go wrong. Add a red carpet to your front yard, and hire a local blogger, and you're good to go. Hosting this level of party should put you on the map to attend, if not co-host with Reginald Kenneth Dwight. (If you don't know who that is, you are not invited.)

Best moment of the night.

5. You're sitting where they once were.
Everyone loves a rags to riches story. Sure you might be a 34 year old, sitting on the stationary bike in the house where you grew up watching the Oscars with your mom while she plays solitaire on the iPad that you bought with severance money a few years ago...or not, just saying...you might be...but the truth is that most of the people walking across the stage were once where you are at this moment.  Maybe minus a few of those details. The Oscars inspire us and show us in the most dramatic fashion, that dreams can come true.