An Imagined Conversation Between 3 Musicians Named "Joan"

The more I try to write an introduction for this, the weirder it gets. So at the risk of exposing and having my innermost thoughts judged, here's a conversation that happened in my mind sometime between the thoughts "i should go to bed" and "why is the sun up?" 

"Action is the antidote to despair."

Joni Mitchell-So, I heard the other day that they're gonna make a movie about me. Well, it's also about Carole and Carly. It's based on that book about the most iconic female singers from the 70's.

Joan Baez-Hmmm.

Joan Jett-So what bitch is gonna play you?

Joni Mitchell-Well, I'd hardly call her that.... It looks like it's gonna be Taylor Swift

Joan Jett- Taylor Effing Swift huh? She’s got the hair, and I’ve seen pictures of her holding a guitar. Seems about right.

Joan Baez-She lacks the conviction. Did you see her just stare in shock when Kanye interrupted her during that acceptance speech? Now she just always looks like she's going to cry.

Joan Jett-Yes! You could just see how personally she took it. So evident that she got her feeeeeelings hurt. Joni, your feelings ever been hurt?

Joni Mitchell-Really? Give her a break, she’s young, she’s doe-eyed. And that Kanye is a force to be reckoned with.

Joan Baez-Look at you, protecting your legacy already. 

Joni Mitchell- Legacy? Great. 

Joan Jett- It’s true. Once they make that movie, you aren’t your own anymore. No one will remember your face, only hers. I mean can you remember what the actual Sarah Palin looks like? No, you can only remember Tina Fey or Julianne Moore. 

"This is a nation that has lost the ability to be self-critical,
and that makes a lie out of the freedoms."

Joan Baez-Palin got off easy. Though, it’s kind of hard to accept the fact that Moore has portrayed both of us now. We have NOTHING in common.

Joni Mitchell-Well, you ARE both rogue mavericks...

Joan Baez-Psssh. Please. I don’t even own lipstick.

Joan Jett- What about all of the Marilyn Monroe excitement lately. Michelle Williams actually did a decent job, but now they’re doing that TV show SMASH ruining her all over the place. Uma Thurman? Katharine McPhee! The best thing that can happen for Marilyn at this point is if Megan Hilty lands the part on the show.

Joni Mitchell-It’s the best thing that can happen for the show too.

Joan Baez-What’s SMASH?

Joan Jett-Nevermind. I also hear that Andre 3000 is gonna to play Hendrix. It’s like these newbies or people with almost dead careers want to live vicariously through someone who made a real difference. But really, you gotta ask, what’s in it for them?

Joni Mitchell- That was my first thought with Taylor. Her career is really rocking right now. Why would she risk alienating her fans by playing a hippie folk singer that none of them have even heard of?

Joan Jett- I wondered the same thing when Kristen Stewart was cast as me in the Runaways. I still have no clue. What was your angle K. Stew?

"I love Rock and Roll."

Joan Baez-I know what her angle was...she wanted to kiss Dakota Fanning. 

Joan Mitchell-You think that's why? I mean, Dakota is so pale.

Joni Jett-Not as pale as that vampire kid.

Joni Mitchell and Joan Baez- True.

Joni Mitchell- So, uh...we should probably talk about the elephant in the room. Baez, they haven’t made a movie about you yet.  

Joan Jett-Yeah...I mean there was that brief part in that  movie they did about Bob, but, the movie was ABOUT Bob.


Joan Baez-But they did make one about me. 

Joni Mitchell and Joan Jett- They did? 

Joan Baez-A few actually. They were documentaries. You know, starring me. As me.

Joan Jett- Lucky.

Joni Mitchell- Iconic.