Did You Hear...Katy Perry Likes Garbage Snacks.

Have you ever seen that SNL skit on Weekend Update where Bobby Moynihan plays the "Second-Hand News Correspondent" and doesn't get anything right ever?  Here's the clip if you wanna see it.

Anyway, that was me in my last post.

Here are the things I got wrong:

Jennifer Aniston isn't married yet. I think I messed up on this because such a huge deal was made out of her ring, and then they had that party around Christmas...and somewhere in my slight disinterest, I just made assumptions that this thing was full on go. So when I heard they'd started counseling only after a few months of marriage, I got snarky. I am all for counseling, but the timing seemed strange. Now of course, it makes perfect sense...though I might stop referring to it as "Marriage Boot Camp" if I were them.

I'm not sure where I read this next mistake, or maybe I dreamed it. You know, dreams are made up of like 80% of your deepest desires. And so I was under the impression last night that Adele and Barbra Streisand were going to do a duet on the Grammy's. It made perfect sense to me given the Elton and Sting appearances. But as the credits rolled, I sat there with my mouth open in frustration. Not only was I very aware that I'd have to make corrections in this blog, but I'd kinda held back my excitement waiting for this epic performance that never happened. Sigh. I did read that both women will be performing at the Oscars...but that's all I'm gonna say about it for now. I hate being wrong.

In other "how did I miss this" news...I thought Katy Perry and John Mayer had broken up. Oh well...at least one there's no mistaking one thing...

 

Katy Perry has boobs.

There Are Things To Say...Weekend Fat Is Back.

Upon my return to the States, I thought I might enjoy a little break from blogging to give me time to  adjust into a new routine....and I did. But now there's just too much to say. So I'm back. Now, let's dive in...

Last night I saw a new trailer for the Gatsby movie, and I'm pretty sure I squealed. I still have my doubts about a few things. Will it be too Moulin Rouge-ish? How did they get Leo to look even younger? Can Carey Mulligan play aloof? Why isn't Tom Hardy in it? But overall, I'm pretty excited.

Can you repeat the past? We're certainly gonna try!

Adele and Barbra Streisand are performing a duet at the Grammy's this weekend. Babs hasn't performed there in 36 years; which means my mother wasn't even old enough to drink when she last took the stage. I hope she finds a respectful and encouraging audience at the show, which shouldn't be a problem since she's singing WITH Adele. I'm sure Adele can adele Streisand's career for this generation, since she's a superhero and all.

A star is born.

Maybe it was the Absinthe in my Sazerac, or maybe it was the fact that I was completely bored by the Superbowl (didn't know they still had Superbowls when the Saints aren't participating), but somehow I missed the fact that the lights went out for...apparently, a while. What I did NOT miss that night was the disgusting sound of a nerd kissing a supermodel, the irony of a farmer appreciation commercial in a country that wants to crack down on immigration laws, and the overwhelming feeling to throw my hands up when Destiny's Child performed.

Angel style.

My friend Julie's gonna hate me for this, but I have to pick on Jennifer Aniston. Did you know she and her new husband are already in counseling? They want to get some of those lingering things from past relationships dealt with. Look, I'm ALL FOR counseling. But maybe do that kind of counseling BEFORE you get married??? Also, when is she gonna announce that she's having a baby already? We all know that's what this is all about. Rumor has it that Angelina's pregnant again. Take that Aniston.

Glowing.

In other news, Anne Hathaway's hair is growing back out. Thank goodness we don't have to hear her whine about this anymore. We will know whether or not she's serious about being a "real" actress based on what she does with it from here on out. It's kind of an understanding that unless you're Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep, or Jennifer Lawrence, you'd better keep your hair short to avoid those Rom-Com roles. Of course, if she lands an Oscar maybe that's enough to get her into the "people in Hollywood we can respect" club. It does bother me that she's been heard "complaining" about all the attention surrounding Les Mis and the Oscar nominations. She says she's stopped going to lunch. How devastating. So here's the deal...half of me likes her for being authentic even if it is authentically ridiculous. But the other half of me really wants someone to teach her something about being graceful. Did you know there are actually people called, "Hathahaters?"  In spite of it all, I'm actually rooting for you this time around Anne...

Oh geez.

Weekend Fat Year End Review

There is no way that I could begin to summarize all of the pop-culture happenings of this year. Mainly because if you know me at all you know, I don't do well with the whole summarizing thing.

So here are just a few highlights and lowlights of the year. Please feel free to add your own in the comments.

Women and Sex
Whether it was 50 Shades of Grey, Magic Mike, or political discussions of birth control and "legitimate" rape, women and their sexuality was probably one of the most talked about subjects of the year.

You can't deny she's having a good year.

Anne Hathaway
Even though she's not in my list of favorites, it's undeniable that she made her mark this year. Even her Catwoman performance received rave reviews. Now with her near death experience in Les Mis, I'm sure there will be talk of an oscar. I'm not sure I'm convinced that she's all that great, but more on that later this week.

Memes
Memes are in full effect now. Meme generators are available and easy to use...even for those who are not so tech savvy. All they are waiting on is some unassuming politician, unaware celebrity, or some other oblivious figure to say something stupid.

Channing Tatum
He was named the sexiest man of the year, though my vote will probably always go to Ryan Reynolds. Aside from that he made A LOT of movies this year. Magic Mike, The Vow, 21 Jump Street, Haywire, and many more coming up soon.

Celebrity Deaths
It's probably that the older you get, the more aware you are of the people who are dying, so it's not actually more people dying, it's just that the names mean something to you now. This year was a year like that for me. Beginning with Whitney Houston and including Zig Ziglar, Ravi Shankar, David Oliver Relin, Larry Hagman, Andy Williams, Michael Clarke Duncan, Neil Armstrong, Phyllis Diller, Sally Ride, Robin Gibb, Dick Clark, Andy Griffith, Adam Yauch, Davy Jones, Donna Summer, and a lot more. The world seems a little stranger, slightly scarier with some of these people no longer in it.

Who do you want by your side when the zombies come?

The Walking Dead
People love zombies. This show started out with a loyal and small fan base, but blew up into the mainstream this year. Everyone I know is watching it and loving it. Zombies remain the most interesting apocalyptic theory around. Do you have your plan in place?

Downton Abbey
When we aren't busy living vicariously through the Walking Dead cast, we are fantasizing over Downton Abbey. This show picked up a ton of watchers this year. I only hope it can keep up the momentum in light of upcoming tragic events. Ugh...I promise I won't give spoilers...but...sigh...

Socialism
No matter where you fall on the political spectrum, you can't deny that the term "socialism" came up a lot in 2012. Fortunately, this was the most Googled/looked up/researched word on the internet in 2012. Kudos to people for not just throwing it around, but actually taking the time to figure out what it means. Let's take that mentality and run with it people...keep learning.

Best release from captivity break-up ever.

Babies, Break-Ups, and Break Downs
This isn't the entire list, but all you really need to know is that Beyonce and Adele had babies. Katie and Tom broke up. As Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. And Amanda Bynes joined the ranks of Lindsay Lohan, who is still spiraling downward.

Guns and Freedom
Who is to blame, the shooter or the gun? The debate resurfaces each time we experience something tragic. The arguments get tangled up as we speak of freedoms we stand for and freedoms we want to take from others. Unfortunately, no matter where you fall, most of these arguments just points out our contradictions, hypocrisies, and double standards more than it does convince, inspire, or move anyone to change.

As I mentioned above, these are only a few that stood out to me this year? What would you add as being the big news of 2012?

My Grown Up Christmas List

Goregous.

I want to look like Kat Dennings or Kate Winslet. Either one will suffice.

Funniest person ever.

I want the confidence of Rebel Williams. She is a total honey badger, and I love her for it.

I can hold that for you?

I want Tina Fey to read my blog and think I’m clever and decide to hire and mentor me.

Oh Gwyneth...you're adorably ridiculous.

I want to be rich enough to nourish my inner aspect...ie...buy the stuff I see on goop.

Walk in the park...

I want to be married to John Krasinzki by day...

Candlelight dinner....

And Jesse Williams by night.

Is that seat for me?!

I want to be a Braverman....I don’t care how. I will be a distant cousin, or even just a twice removed something...just get me into that family!

I love her style!

I want the wardrobe of Mary from Downton Abbey...

I love this too though.

Maybe Kate Hudson on my Hippie days.

From now on when I sing, I'm making this face...just in case it all comes together at once.

I want to sing like Adele.

Talk about Magical Thinking...Joan Didion.

I want to write something that has the subtlety of Susan Orlean, the popularity of Harry Potter, the suspense of Stephen King, the inspiration of Brene Brown, the heart of Joan Didion, and the humor of David Sedaris.

What's on your Christmas List this year?

Pop-Culture Attack

I slept 11 hours last night. It was awesome. Except that when I woke up, I woke up to a different pop-culture world than the one I fell asleep in. 


Adele is pregnant. I mean, yay! Except is Adele ready for a baby? I know, I know, no one's ever really ready. So will this change her career? I know, I know, it has to. Not even Adele can have it all. Or can she? 

Woah Baby!

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are divorcing. YAY! Have they only been together for 5 years? Cause it feels like 10 at least. I bet it felt that way to Katie too. I am shocked not because I thought their relationship was so great, but because I am surprised she was allowed out. I hear she is going to fight for custody of Suri. I think a paternity test should be in order. We all know Tom is a hermaphrodite and that is NOT his kid.  It appears that her filing was a surprise to him. Does that scare anyone else? Cause he's not rational. Can we get a security detail on Suri/Katie please?

She looks terrified.

Magic Mike is in theaters rendering all of my friends 14 year old girls. I am just jealous I'm sure. It will be months before I can enjoy this ab-fest. So if anyone wants to write a review or has something to say about the movie, by all means, let me know and we will get a guest post up in here.


Lindsay Lohan...sigh...apparently did a photo shoot where she held a gun to her face/put it in her mouth. COME ON LINDSAY! Didn't you read my letter!

"Great picture," said no one ever.

And lastly, Jennifer Lawrence was seen flirting with John Mayer, which in my book just means she's entered womanhood. But you know how up in arms everyone gets about John Mayer. Do you think he has a scavenger hunt list of women to be seen with? Like it's all just a game for him? Also why does everyone like the song, Daughters?

If I Could Be A Superhero, I'd Be Adele

Not only did Adele help you (and me, and everyone we know) through that last break up.... 
Not only has she repurposed plus size as sexy (I owe her personal thanks for that one).... 
Not only does she sing like an angel with an attitude....
But NOW Adele is also a Superhero. 


That might be slightly exaggerated. At the very least she is the catalyst of a recent medical miracle. Did you hear about this?  A 7 year old British girl was in a coma after suffering a rare brain hemorrhage. Her mother curled up beside her in the bed and Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" came on the radio. The mom started singing and before long, the little girl was smiling. Now she's back in school and dance class. What the what!

It looks like she's an Angel, but this is really her Superhero cape...a nice soft sweater.

If this doesn't give Adele Superhero status, can we at least verb her name? 
Adele: 
Definition: To wake from a coma upon hearing Adele's music. 
Example Sentences:
"We were so glad she Adeled! It was really a miracle."
"The doctors said that short of Adeling, there was really no chance he would wake from the coma."
"The family gathered around and prayed for their mother to Adele."
"The people in rehab tried to Adele Lindsay Lohan out of her craziness."
(It's worth a try...)


So it needs a little refining, but if this kind of thing happens again, you mark my words, Adele is gonna verb. (And in a positive way, not the Urban Dictionary snarky way that pokes fun at her weight and her tendency to sing about fruitless behaviors.)


So maybe it's a coincidence, but you can bank on this: If one of my loved ones is EVER in a coma, I WILL bust out the Adele music so fast and sing at the top of my lungs with all the passion I can muster, "YOU HAVE MY HEART AND SOOOUUUL IN YOUR HANDS...." 


Cause you just never know...

My other super power is that I can burn rain.