A Letter To 13 Year Old Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Hey girl! How are you? I just finished watching your remake of The Parent Trap. I have always been a HUGE fan of Hayley Mills, and I really thought it couldn't get any better, but I gotta say, you nailed it! You were absolutely adorable, everyone thinks so. I've always thought it would be hard to play twins, was it?

Sorry if I'm rambling a little. I'm nervous. I've never written a letter to a celebrity, and well, this is no ordinary letter. See, I'm from the future. I know, it's hard to believe that, but use your Disney brain and just try to take it in. In light of recent events, I feel that it's really important to write you and warn you of a few things. Now I know that at age 13 you might have a hard time taking advice, what, with your entire life in front of you and your recent launch into stardom. But someone has to try to get through to you, someone has to intervene, and that someone might as well be me.

This is a picture of you as of 2012. That's right. You're a blonde, your lips are pumped with silicone, you look like you could be 45. Do the math little Lindsay, you are only 25 in this picture. I hate to have to show you this, but I think it's the only way to get your attention. To put a stop to what is so obviously the train wreck of a generation. Whitney Houston died earlier this year (I should probably be writing her, but I can't save everyone) and we are all wondering if you will be the next star who is gone too soon. But here are two things you need to remember. No one wants to see you this way, and there is a way for you to stop it. I'm going to try to dispense some advice to help you.

Throughout the next few years, you are going to make some really fun movies. You will have some pretty amazing co-stars in these movies. People like Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Keaton, Meryl Streep, Emilio Estevez, and Tina Fey. They are stable and will really see potential in you. People like Oprah, Ellen, and the entire SNL cast will take personal investments in you. As a teenager you might see some of these people as stodgy or washed up, boring even, but you should ignore your inclination to fight and rebel against them and their advice. They know how Hollywood works, and they see the potential in you and want the best for you. If you follow the paths they provide for you, you will have access to wisdom that will help you navigate your adolescent stardom like Ron Howard rather than pulling a classic Barrymore.

Looks like you BOTH still got it in this picture!

As you grow into your body, people will liken you to classically sexy Ann Margret. Even she will acknowledge the similarities and take you under her wing. You should go with this. You should resist the urge to change your hair color. Your red hair is one of the things people love about you, it makes you stand out, it makes you different. (For now, though some bombshell redheads are coming soon, Emma Stone, Christina Hendricks, Bryce Dallas Howard...and many more! So milk it while you can!) Don't believe the lie, blondes do not have more fun. This will be proven when Britney Spears shaves all of hair off in 2007. (Again, I can't save everyone.)

Lindsay, meet Bryce, the daughter of Ron Howard. She is beloved. You could be (again) too.

Speaking of Britney, You will also want to venture into the music business. Just...don't.

In a few years your parents' fighting will escalate and they will begin to sabotage your stardom. Your mom will be jealous of your fame, and your dad will want your money. They will throw you under the bus, sell you out, and sign you up for ridiculous projects but somehow they will never actually parent you. In an unfortunate combination of thinking you know everything and not knowing how to cope with anything, you will turn to drinking, drugs, and just all out inappropriate behavior. With the boom of social media in your late teenage years, everyone will experience your slow downfall as if we are watching The Truman Show (kind of like reality TV); unable to look away, but hoping you get out of there.

Maybe the last truly sexy picture of you that is ever taken.

The irony of your situation is that everyone who works with you (at first) will compliment your abilities and your talent; they will all speak highly of your potential, and yet none of this ever seems to sink in. Maybe you are hoping to hear it from your parents. Maybe someone incepted (it's a LONG story) you and told you that you cannot believe what anyone says. And so instead of striving to be the best actress you can be, you will charge headlong into the dysfunction that seems to be so ingrained in your genes. By the time you are 20 your life will be a mess, but your name will still have a following. This dichotomy makes you somewhat of an underdog. People see you self-destructing through TMZ (stay away if you can) photos, but continue to root for you. Rosie O'Donnell (though having lost quite a bit of credibility herself) will make public pleas for your health, safety, and recovery. She will be very sincere about it. Sadly, I am not sure you will ever even be made aware of her statements about you.

Give your lawyer/therapist a raise.

Speaking of Rosie, for a short time when you are 22 you will date a woman, and though people will relentlessly question your sexuality during this time, you will stay strong on the fact that you are not a lesbian, and that you cannot be put into a box. The interesting thing about this time period, is that as we watch you and your partner (I feel it would be unfair to tell you the name of this person. I only want to help you, not meddle in your romantic encounters) float from club to club, it will appear that you have risen past or at least had a reprieve from your otherwise out of control behavior. However, when the two of you break-up, it seems you are hell bent on destroying yourself as fast as possible.

Orange is not your color. 

From ages 22-26 your personal resume reads like that of a middle-aged-washed-up rock star. You will:
Appear in court multiple times for various reasons.
Always be the Defendant.
Write obscenities on your finger nails during one of your court appearances.
Go to jail, though who can ever really know how long you stay because fame is still the greatest defense.
Develop narcissism to a point that people in Hollywood don't want to work with you anymore. Even the Glee kids (kind of like the Beatles of our time) will speak poorly of you after your agent lands you a cameo on their show.
Appear in a viral (popular) video that shows how your face changes over the years and not in a good way.
Show America way too much of your body and attitude.
Scowl a lot.
Cry a lot.
Crash your Porsche.
Lie to policemen about it.
Lie to yourself.

Sugar and Spice. We miss you Lindsay.

I guess that's all I really have to say really. Odds are you will toss this letter aside into the pile of others that are sure to be pouring into your life right now. But remember, none of those others are from the future. So if by chance you decide to take this one to heart, and I hope you do, then maybe you will find this information shocking and even disturbing. Maybe you will vow to yourself and all of the people around you that you will never let this happen to you. Maybe you will at least keep your red hair. And maybe...just maybe, we will get to watch you become one of the most beautiful and talented actresses of our time. Wouldn't that be nice?

Sincerely and Full of Hope,
Weekend Fat