How NOT To Be On Nancy Grace

I've been watching a lot of crime shows lately. Criminal Minds, Law and Order (SVU), and I am considering starting...(swallow) Castle. Even though I think it's a campy rip off of Moonlighting and the premise itself is ridiculous. A writer being allowed to "help" solve cases! Yeah right. 


It's impossible to watch these shows and manage to avoid seeing the similarities to real life famous cases. There are constant comparisons between the fictional crimes they are investigating to those of high profile cases of the past 50 years. When I think of these media storms, one name comes to mind...Nancy Grace.

You do NOT want to cross this woman. 

Nancy Grace isn't kidding around. Her most recent rampage was directed at Casey Anthony, who was on trial for the murder of her daughter. She is famous for her thick southern accent that delivers her rhetorical and over the top verbal beatings, and of course the entertainment value of her rants. She likes to promote that she is concerned with victim's rights, and often creates more drama than is necessary surrounding any given case. It's working for her. The bottom line is that she is very concerned with making sure criminals get what's coming to them and that victims get vindicated.


A friend of mine suggested the other day that I write a blog about Nancy Grace and these crime shows I've been watching. (I love blog suggestions.) I wasn't sure where to start though.


Criminal Minds, SVU, and other crime dramas are enjoyable to watch because they are formulaic. Watch them enough and you start to get the timing down, you realize that defining lines get said at the same time by the same character in each episode, you start to pick up on whether or not the victim will live or die, and whether or not the criminal will be convicted, captured, or escape. It's a 40 minute roller coaster that you've ridden before. That's part of the fun of these shows. You come in watching what would ordinarily be a terrifying situation but because you've figured out the formula, you feel like you have a sense of power over it.  


I have no idea if these situations translate to real life, but based on what I have seen in my last few weeks of crime drama, I've compiled two lists of ways to avoid having your name come out of Nancy Grace's mouth. Because whether you're the bad guy or the victim, it's just a good idea to avoid being mentioned on her show.


How NOT to be a victim:
Don't go jogging.
Don't even wear work out clothes.
Don't be a blonde.
Don't have hair at all.
Don't be a kid.
If you have to be a kid, leash yourself to your parents.
If you leash yourself to your parents, make sure they are not crazy.
Don't live in the suburbs.
Don't live in the midwest.
Don't go from one room to another in your house.
If you go from one room to another, don't look in the mirror when you get to the second room.
Don't be rich.
Don't drink wine.


How NOT to be a bad guy:
Don't have access to a dungeon, a concrete hole, or any dark damp place.
Don't be anti-social.
Don't be a momma's boy.
Don't have daddy issues.
If you do have any issues, resolve them ASAP.
Don't have a nagging wife who tries to control you.
Don't own random tools.
Don't own a truck or a van.
Don't wear black.
Don't wear boots.
Don't get bullied as a child.
If you do get bullied, channel your anger into being the next Steve Jobs.
Don't be overly religious.


And in the spirit of staying out of all kinds of trouble, here are the famous words of 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy...

What's your plan for avoiding attention from Nancy Grace?