Horrifying Hump Day: Tales From My Not So Scary Life

I haven't lived a terrifying life or anything, but I thought it might be fun to share a few personal stories that seem like they could be scenes from a scary movie, granted, not the scariest scenes of course. Forgive me for the abandonment of pop-culture, but maybe some day I'll write something worth publishing and this little blog will become a piece of...yeah, ok ok, I'll just get to it.

I got my first babysitting gig the summer after my 6th grade year. I remember nothing about the family I was sitting for, I think they had 2 kids. My friend Jeffrey lived nearby, and at some point he came over to hang out. I know what you're thinking, and it wasn't like that. So while he was there we heard these noises. We both kinda freaked out so we booby trapped the house. And we did it up right. We looped yarn around doors and tables. We set up folding chairs in the foyer. I think there was even some moving of the furniture. And we were ready for whatever serial killer was about to come at us...we just weren't ready for the parents to come home. But there they were. Tripping over folding chairs and yarn, waking up their kids, staring at me and the boy I'd invited over. I don't think they every asked me to babysit again. 

In high school I had a group of friends who loved to roll yards (or TP for you West Coasters). We went out almost every weekend to target this group of guys we were friends with. I was always the getaway driver. One night we were dressed in our typical blacks, creeping up on the house when some really bright lights came on. The police were hidden waiting to catch us. We were terrified and immediately scattered. The police found us all of course, and talked to a few of us and to the guys inside before giving us a stern warning and sending us home. (Thank God for small towns.) We went back to my house feeling defeated, and one of the girls' moms called to say that my car had been reported on the police scanner, so we should probably stay in for the night. My mom gave us cookie dough and the keys to her van, and before long, we were off again. 

Westcott Building and Fountain

The strangest summer of my life was spent in Tallahassee, Florida after my Senior year of college. I chose Tallahassee for a few reasons. My mom's family lives there, my best friend at the time lived there, and I had the opportunity to nanny for two families. It was a weird summer. The mom of one of the families worked at the Florida Baptist Children's Home where my mom and her siblings grew up. The other one was in hospice care and died 6 weeks into my time there from cancer. My best friend ended up being gone most of the summer, and my aunt that I was staying with went to bed each night by about 9. I ended up spending some time with some friends I was loosely acquainted with, who were at FSU for the summer. One night we hung out on the roof of the Westcott Building and swam in the fountain. Another night I ended up in a room full of cadavers in the medical school because one of the friends got us in to see them. One night about two weeks before I was going to leave Tallahassee, my makeshift group of friends and I went to this closed down asylum now referred to as "Sunnyland" where hundreds of TB patients and unwanted kids with disabilities died before it was closed down in the 80's. My memory on this is fuzzy, but we climbed a fence and made it inside, only for a few moments. I remember noises and I remember shadows and I remember climbing the fence to get back to the car at lightening speed. We went to Gordo’s after to get grilled cheese and garlic fries. But I don’t think I slept through the night again until I was safe in my dorm on the seminary campus in New Orleans a few weeks later.

"Sunnyland" Asylum

This last year in China has been an experiment in controlling the creepy corners of imagination. As if living in a rural area of China weren't enough, I also happen to live in a building by myself. A very large building with lots of windows by myself. Let me stress the by myself part. There are entire movies made about things that can happen in isolation. So yeah. There is a security guard, but he's a good...football field away from my room. Also he speaks no English. The building is concrete and surrounded by tall bamboo and little creeks (moats). The other night I was sound asleep when I heard a key turn in my door. By the time I realized what was going on, a Chinese man was standing in my apartment, the only light in the room was from the computer. I jumped out of bed and started yelling stuff and he stared at me for a minute before realizing his mistake. He said some stuff I didn't understand then held up his hand, "sorry, sorry" and left. I locked the door behind him and messaged Frank, my supervisor. Frank's reassurance to me was, "Oh yes, many people have keys to your door, I am sorry for his mistake." So. Comforting. Frank. I've been working on my Zombie Apocalypse plan all year, but I got nothing ready for a Chinese man standing in my apartment. 

As you read these I’m sure you are probably thinking...what’s the big deal...these events are really not that scary. But isn't that how these things always are in retrospect? What felt strange at the time can be simply explained. What seemed daunting in the dark isn't that bad with the lights on. In the moment you think danger is all around you, but really, there was never any to begin with.

I've been on this scary road.

One recurring eerie feeling I get happens when I'm driving at night. I love to drive, and I especially love to drive at night. But I've had some terrifying times hugging the cliffs of California's Highway 1, climbing through the Blue Ridge Parkway in North Carolina, and making my way to something, anything, familiar in the most rural parts of Mississippi, Georgia, Florida, and Alabama. The strangeness occurs when the only light around is from my headlights, my phone has no service, and the music, which usually is the perfect serenade to any road trip, starts to sound warped, too loud, too minor, to my ears. I turn it off and let the hum of the road noise sink in while my eyes search the sides of the road for deer, or whatever else might be lurking, waiting to make me the victim of another scary story.

Story toppers welcome! Tell me your terrifying tales!

Horrifying Hump Day: Real Villains

When it comes to scary movies, it's easy to think of the ones with monsters in them first. You know those villains who could never exist in real life. The Freddies and Jasons, vampires, ghosts, and zombies are easy targets because they look scary. But what about those villains who look just like you and me? Those are the ones who we really need to look out for. Here are some of the most evil and realistic bad guys out there.

Don't test me.

Hannibal Lecter-Silence of the Lambs
Anthony Hopkins
You had me at cannibalism. I remember realizing what that meant as a child and being horrified. Lecter is the stuff our nightmares are made of. And you'd think that his being behind bars would be comforting during the movie, but it's not. Even with Buffalo Bill out there killing plus-sized women and demanding they put lotion on, Lecter is still the most horrifying bad guy around. His intelligence, eerily seductive accent, and eating habits put him on the top of my list of people I want to avoid.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Jack Torrance-The Shining
Jack Nicholson
You know what's worse than a crazy person? Not knowing someone is a crazy person. That's why Jack is so alarming. You think he's writing the next great novel, only to one day realize he is a broken record repeating the ominous phrase, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." His slow descent into madness and the fact that he carries an axe everywhere is reason enough for me to stay away.

You dirty bird.

Annie Wilkes-Misery
Kathy Bates
Women are scary. Because rather than just going crazy or being a sociopath, they bring an emotional element to the table. And what Annie brings to the table is obsession, delusion, and codependent attachment to a fictional character. All we know about Annie up front is that she's a nurse, and a big "fan" of the Misery books. She has a sweet little vocabulary full of phrases like "Mr. Man" and keeps her bangs pinned back making her seem innocent enough. But what we learn about her later is that she is not above kidnapping, drugging, and smashing ankles in a scene that STILL makes me cringe whenever I see it. Oh and also she burned some things and killed some people before the Misery incident, so there's that too.

This'll toughen you up.

Aaron Stampler-Primal Fear
Edward Norton
Maybe the only thing worse than a crazy person and not knowing someone is crazy is someone who pretends to be crazy. Aaron is the worst kind of villain because he is also a coward. He plays the victim, and lies his way through a murder trial, only to reveal in the last few moments that he is in fact perfectly sane. He avoids prison by manipulating the jury and his lawyer. I shouldn't even put him on the list with such legends like Lecter and Torrance, but I do think he's notable, because in all truth, he is the closest to the kind of "bad guys" you and I come into contact with on a daily basis.

I've killed a lot of people.

Patrick Bateman-American Psycho
Christian Bale
This movie has forever ruined me because now I think that any and every white collared, white male is probably a serial killer. This is why I can't vote Republican. But in all seriousness, Bateman is one of those men that you cannot look away from. His morning routine is fascinating and disturbing as is his obsession with the perfect business card (one of the all time greatest scenes ever). He juggles his double life as though he created the concept, and quite honestly, he probably gave birth to the concept of Dexter. And the worst part, I'm strangely attracted to him...that is when he's not carrying a chainsaw.

This is not gonna stop.

Alex Forrest-Fatal Attraction
Glenn Close
Again, women are terrifying. The great thing about Alex is that her obsession with the affair became a lesson to men everywhere not to cheat on their wives. And the movie is a very thorough lesson. This is the last person you want showing up at your house, messing with your family pets and threatening to end your life as you know it. I mean, he should have known by the hair. That is crazy woman hair!

I'm gonna outlast you.

Max Cady-Cape Fear
Robert DeNiro 
You could argue that either version of Cady is scary, but I prefer DeNiro's smirk in the remake. He's buff and tatted up and his Southern accent is somewhere between sexy and threatening. There's a rape scene in this movie that might be one of the worst scenes I've ever seen, and the way he seduces the daughter in the film makes him seriously creepy. Not to mention, this dude doesn't quit! He is sooo strong. But it's his dedication to religion that makes him memorable. Watching him speak in tongues as he drowns is one of those scenes that is forever planted in my mind.

I am the context.

Kevin-We Need To Talk About Kevin
Ezra Miller
While it's not a classic, and is actually pretty new, Kevin, is one of the more devastating villains on the list because...well, it seems he is literally born to be bad. I think it's every mom's worst nightmare that they might see something evil in their child early on and not be able to correct it. Kevin is that evil. Kevin also represents the now dozens and dozens of teenagers who have gone to school with intent to kill, making him all too realistic for enjoyment. A master manipulator, a brilliant mind, and a killer at an early age, he has a face only a mother can...well...something.

Who are you afraid of?

Horrifying Hump Day: Zombie Apocalypse

Tell me that's not something you want to be prepared for.

It's not real. I mean, it can't happen. I know this. You know this. And yet, there are TV's, movies, websites, and books dedicated to the topic of the Zombie Apocalypse. It seeps into our conversations and even the subconscience. Today, I was walking through the hallway and saw a long-handled hammer, and I thought, "I could kill a zombie with that." Yep.

Average indeed.

I've thought a lot about zombies this year because in some ways being in a foreign country is like living in the zombie apocalypse. You are surrounded by people, but cannot communicate with most of them. Which means you cannot connect emotionally. And the few interactions you do have with people are usually a little terrifying. What do the want from me? What are they saying? Am I going to have to eat something weird?

Ok...maybe not terrifying.

See, just like in China.

I took a "Will you survive the Zombie Apocalypse" quiz...my results? I. Am. Legend. That's right. Of course, the quiz didn't ask about cardio...

I think our obsession with zombies plays on a few things that are central to our humanity.

First, the fact that they used to be us. That drooling, growling, bleeding creature in front of you resembles your mom. In fact, a few minutes ago, she was. But now she's a brainless killing machine. And she's probably going to try to kill you.

Secondly, zombies are a metaphor. Have you ever heard of groupthink? It's happening all over Facebook right now. Clicking like if you think Romney this, if you think Obama that. And the likes just keep adding up. It's a sad state of affairs when people stop using their brains and start "liking" things that really make no sense or have no actual foundation in truth. I don't want to get political, but I mean, we are zombies.

Exactly.

Thirdly, it gives us a chance to make those emotional breaks that hold us back in life. When you daydream about your ex deciding he's made a huge mistake and wants you back, it's hard to enjoy life to the fullest. But when that ex is oozing life threatening bacteria from his ears and missing an arm, it makes it a little easier to forget about him. Want a divorce? To move out of your parents' house? To get revenge on a back-stabbing friend? To stick it to the man? A zombie apocalypse solves all that. It's like free and very effective therapy with no lingering consequences, regrets, or baggage.

Fourthly, (I hate the word fourthly.)

Fifthly, you aren't that special. In a zombie apocalypse no one stands out. Everyone is cynical of everyone, there's no trust. In a zombie apocalypse there are no story toppers. Everyone has PTSD. No one cares about who you lost or who you loved or where you're from or what degrees you have. All those things that divide us now: sexuality, social status, education, religion, political affiliation, race...none of that matters in a zombie apocalypse...

Wow...that actually sounds really nice right about now...

Horrifying Hump Day: Movie Induced Fear

When I was a kid, I was super shy. Like hide behind my mother shy. If you know me at all, you know that is impossible to imagine. I was basically afraid of people. Maybe my mother, who had somewhat of a tragic childhood, did too good of a job prepping me on that "don't talk to strangers" thing. Here are a few other notable fears from my childhood: The screened-in porch at the lake house where my grandparents lived. I was certain that the little fast lizards that lived there would eat me alive, or at least run across my feet, and so I always ran from the porch door into the house. There was also a ceramic hand holding a bird at their house that scared me. My grandparents were not typical grandparents. 

As I grew up, I had my moments of being afraid of the dark. There were the typical snake, mice, spiders fears. But the most lingering of all fears for me has been and still is...FIRE.

Hell hath no fury like a Barrymore in a Stephen King movie.

I have no idea where it came from. By the time I was 6 years old I remember my mother was blow drying my hair for me and she made an off handed comment "oh, it's on fire." What she MEANT was that a piece of my hair was caught in the dryer. What I heard was, "You are going to burn alive." I screamed and flailed, and ran the length of the trailer we lived in while she tried to catch and calm me. I can only assume that my fears were based more on what I'd seen on TV than real life. I mean, I'd never been IN a fire to my knowledge. But I did watch Carrie, and Firestarter, and Towering Inferno all before the age of 7. 

When I saw the movie Labyrinth, I was afraid that some version of David Bowie and the muppets would take my baby brother. I slept on the floor by his bed for a while after that one. 

Poltergeist made me afraid of raw meat. To this day, I still have a hard time touching it or smelling it. 

Shhh! I'm trying to read!

Ghostbusters made me afraid of libraries, but I got over that one pretty fast. 

Stand By Me made me afraid of leeches and very glad I was not a boy. It also made me afraid of trains/train tracks which was a fear solidified by Fried Green Tomatoes. A fear of trains/train tracks in the South is kind of a problem. 

I don't love heights, though I have been enough places and done enough to push past that one from time to time. Ropes courses, rappelling, flying, and maybe just being tall has forced me to deal with it. 

The fear I hate admitting because it immediately puts me in a "dorky, not eligible to be cool, we just won't invite her" category, is roller coasters. I have ridden them before. I am not one of those "never" people. But I don't enjoy it. I am a much better purse holder/people watcher at theme parks. So please do invite me, I'm good for something I promise!

Even with all of these shifting fears, my fear of FIRE emerged as the primary one. I hated sparklers and fireworks. In fact, years later when I would become a camp counselor, I was the counselor who stood in the back with all of the kids who were afraid of these types of things. While I love camp fires or fires in fireplaces, I am terrified of them. I hate the sparks that pop into the air threatening to catch my hair on fire or burn out my eyes, or even burn down the house/forest/entire world. Lots of movies have fire scenes in them. Backdraft did me in, I only watched it once. I didn't even bother with Backdraft 2 Ladder 49. Frequency, Always, Roxanne, Legal Eagles, and pretty much most disaster movies (though I do love them) all have notable fire scenes that have left some deep internal scar that fed directly into my already flaming fears. Oh, and also, I didn't watch Fireproof for obvious reasons...well, those reasons might not have anything to do with fire now that I think about it.

For starters, Tartar and Ranch are always unacceptable as are all mayo based condiments. 

When I examine my life today, I think my fears are pretty normal. I have the typical afraid of food going bad fears. Like mold on cheese or bread or old milk. I don't keep condiments more than a month EVER. So maybe that's not so typical after all.

My emotional fears are probably more normal. Things like not wanting to be left out or not wanting to be forgotten. But if I dig down, what scares me the most, is the fear of what I WON'T do in life. Opportunities I might miss that will lead to new experiences. This fear has worked its way down into my deepest parts and has led me to places like...well, China. Maybe this is the fear of regret. I don't want any of those.

I think it's safe to say that, as scary as fire is, the idea of never feeling warmth is so much worse. 

What are you afraid of? 

Have any movies played a part in your fears?

Horrifying Hump Day:The Scariest Movie(s) Ever.

Since it's October, the most wonderful and frightening month of the year, I thought it'd be fun to spend some time on scary things each week. So for the rest of the month, Weekend Fat will use Wednesdays to explore the creepy, the suspenseful, and the terrifying! Now let's begin.

It's hard to name exactly which movie is the scariest since we all have different things that trigger our frights. For example, some people can't handle children in scary movies. Others don't want their horror and religion or horror and sex mixed up. Some don't like monsters. Many people can't handle torture. Gosh, this category is gruesome!

At any rate, I am going to attempt to outline a few of what I consider to be the scariest movies I've ever seen. Warning, there will be spoilers.

Because you were home.

The Strangers:
This might be the absolute scariest movie I've ever seen. A happy couple goes into the woods to have a nice little romantic get-away and end up being stalked/haunted by three strangers. It has all the right elements. The three stalkers wear terrifying masks. A creepy song played on a record. A murdered friend who is trying to come to the rescue. And the most terrifying reason any killer has ever given for killing, "Because you were home." The best thing about this movie is that it kind of happens in "real time." The scary stuff starts happening around 4am, and the sun comes up before the movie ends. Leaving the most tragic part happening in the daylight. Shudder.

The voice is coming from inside the house.

When A Stranger Calls Back:
Maybe I have a thing for strangers. This is a sequel to an old movie called When a Stranger Calls. Both movies star Carol Kane. The first one is meh....but sets the stage for the second one. The story is basically of a babysitter who is terrorized one night. Before the night is up, the kids have been kidnapped, and the babysitter is traumatized. In the sequel, the pajamas of the kids show back up years later in the closet of the babysitter, making it obvious that the man has found her. The stalking continues until this one pivotal and terrifying moment at the end. Major spoiler here: The killer has painted himself so that he blends in with a brick wall in the woman's apartment. You don't even see him until his eyes open. My friend Jill and I have seen this movie probably 200 times and it's scary every time. The voice of the guy is deep and scary, the cinematography focuses on objects like door handles and phones, and there's a puppet. Ew.

What's your favorite scary movie?

Scream:
Maybe it's because I was a teenager when it came out, but I will always say that the first 10 minutes of Scream rate among the scariest scenes ever. To kill off Drew Barrymore after she was billed as the star of the movie was ballsy, but it's the way it happens that is crazy. You barely have time to acclimate to the fact that the rules are different in this movie. When Barrymore is being dragged across her lawn as her parents pull into the driveway, and finally her mom sees her hanging, guts out, in the tree and lets loose a blood-curling scream, you realize you're dealing with a whole new genre of scary movies. The mask is scary, and the lighthearted tone plays against the impending doom. I remember my first time babysitting after seeing this movie. The people had big sliding glass doors that led to a patio with a pool, and I thought I would just die.

I think we'll be okay now.

Paranormal Activity:
Laugh all you want, but I saw this movie on opening night in a packed theater and it was terrifying. The above scene, when Katie stands and watches her boyfriend sleep for like 3 hours and the clock changes rapidly...um...the entire audience audibly gasped and freaked out. This movie took the Blair Witch filming stuff and brought it back while playing on our love for "reality" TV. The mystery of what's happening is one thing, but it really just relies on old school tactics. The loud noises, doors creaking, and sudden scares make this movie a classic.

They're Here.

Poltergeist:
It might the many spooky stories surrounding this movie (like the fact that the little girl who played Carol Ann died at a very early age, among other creepy tales) or it might be the fact that there was a house that looked just like the house in this movie on my cousin's street. Or maybe because I saw it at a really young age. Whatever the reason, this movie remains one of the most terrifying "ghost" movies ever made. I can't even pick a scariest moment. It has everything...a kid, a TV that makes that scary static sound, clowns, raw meat, flying toys, a little lady with a strange voice, a mud pit with skeletons, and Craig T. Nelson. I'm sure I left something out. If you notice this is my only "ghost" movie on the list. The rest of them are somewhat rooted in the idea this could really happen.

I've just killed an intruder.

Sleeping With The Enemy:
There is something about that title, about the way this movie plays out that is cinematically brilliant. First of all there are several "guns" to look for in the film. The booming classical music, the perfectly lined up towels, and the Martha Stewart style cabinets give us the immediate feeling that this man is controlling and dark. Contrast that with Julia Robert's adorableness and it's the perfect stalker movie. The way it's filmed with open windows, neighbors popping up, and lots of natural noises, it's as if any second something could go wrong. It lets you participate in the feeling that the runaway wife must feel; never trusting that she is really safe. 

Evil.

Halloween:
It wouldn't be right not to include this one. First of all, Halloween was the game changer that ushered us from literal monsters or unlikely scenarios in scary movies to "oh wow this could happen in our neighborhood." And the fact that it takes place on and around Halloween night, kind of a kid's night, made it even scarier. The opening scene where the killer is found to be a 6 year old boy rocked the world of the genre and set the new precedence for shocking the hell out of people in the first 10 minutes of a movie. In fact this movie set the precedence for most of the "horror rules" that our films follow today. Anyway, I could go on and on about how the movie impacted future scary movies, and why it's important, but let's just get to the real issue. Halloween has THE scariest musical score of any movie ever made. And for that reason alone, this movie is one of the scariest ever.

I could go on and on about this topic, and for the next few Wednesdays I will. As you can see, I have  a certain preference when it comes to scary movies. I like them somewhat rooted in reality...they seem scarier that way. Here are just a few honorable mentions that I could make a case for: 
Melancholia
Jaws
Silence of the Lambs
Dawn of the Dead
IT
Wait Until Dark
Carrie

I need to stop. Self-control has never been my strength. Gonna drop this here and just move on...

What's your FAVORITE Scary Movie? 
And What is the Scariest Movie You've Ever Seen?