Love is a Battlefield-A Guest Post

They've made a huge mistake.

I would have written sooner, but I've been in mourning. Life as we know it is over. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have ended their marriage. After nine years, two children, and filming at least seven projects together, not to mention being perfectly adorable, it’s all over.

Relationships ending in Hollywood is not a novel concept. We should never be shocked when it happens. There have been some divorces and break-ups that were not that surprising: Katy Perry and Russell Brand (come on Katy, really?), Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (In my best Braveheart yell..Freedom!!!), Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattenson (can you say beards).

But some endings do take us by surprise, and Amy and Will are one of those few. They gave me hope for the future and now it seems a little...well, dismal. Of course, there are a few couples still together that make me believe in love. Jay-Z and Beyonce, Prince William and Kate, Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. And of course, Michelle and Barack. If they ever end their marriage, I’ll host the gathering where we drink poisoned Kool-Aid and end our misery, because if they can’t do it, there is no hope for the rest of us. But I believe they can. Yes. They. Can.

Coupledom is the instant boost of publicity to an upcoming movie or project. And just dating doesn’t do it for us anymore. We want ET to report on the fairy tale happily-ever-after-exclusive-wedding-on-the-beaches-of-France kind of stuff. We want to see the behind-the-scenes pictures while we wait in line at the grocery store on People. We want it, and they deliver. Of course we all know that it might not mean anything in the long run. Everything is up for negotiation these days.

With that said, there are some couples in Hollywood that are just publicity stunts, and some that are just really bad ideas. So in the midst of my mourning, I want to dwell on the negative and even offer a curse of sorts to a few celebrity couples, that I hope, for various reasons, don’t make it.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Kanye and Kim Kardashian. Really? I’m not saying she’s a gold digger, but Kanye does say she's his bitch. When the times get hard for the Kardashian clan, Kim either has to release a sex tape or begin a major relationship. Kanye is an egotistical jerk and everyone can do better than him. I'm gonna let them finish, but this is one of the worst celebrity hook-ups of all time. It won't last. Maybe they deserve each other.

Wait...what just happened?

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. Love interests in a summer blockbuster + less than a year dating= hush-hush wedding ceremony. BLEH! Get over yourselves! Blake, Gossip Girl called and she wants you to take your traveling pants and find someone your own age. And Ryan use those green lantern powers and track down Sandra Bullock. We all know you are meant to be (age differences be damned!) Stop postponing the inevitable! Now, show us your abs again.

More of this.

Adele and Anyone Who Will Break Her Heart. The beloved Adele profits from heartbreak, and I love her for it. I’m cheering for her to never actually settle down because her music of heartache and lost love are my mantras and medicine in my own time of trouble. Sorry, Adele, I truly love you, but please don’t stay happy for long.

This is the face of a Garbage Snack.

John Mayer and........ Dear John, you are not allowed to ever be happy because you are a dick. You have broken so many hearts,  you do not deserve love.

Lights will guide you home...to me.

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. Aside from naming a kid, Apple, and Gwyneth's little goop hobby, this couple is pretty much perfect. And by that I mean that Chris Martin is pretty much perfect. But I need them to break up, because how else can I live happily ever after with Chris?

It might be wrong to wish ill on these people and their relationships, but too many celebrities destroy our Hollywood dreams of romance and make a joke out of marriage. And speaking of marriage, it's hard to watch Kim and Kanye flit around while Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka or Ellen and Portia are in perfectly stable relationships that are not even considered legit in most states. Who can deny that LiLo's most stable relationship/few years was when she dated Samantha Ronson? Just saying....sexuality doesn't determine stability.

In spite of your views on marriage, romance, dating, or publicity stunt couples, one thing is clear: Will and Amy have reminded us once again that no matter the perception, no matter the circumstances, all relationships have potential to fail.

Sigh.

Here's to chasing pavements...



(While waiting for Chris Martin, Sandi spends her days being a nanny and living in an alternate reality. You can find her last guest post confessing her nerd tendencies here.)