A Girl With Not Much Writes About Having It All

I've tried to figure out how to enter the "having it all" conversation that's been going around the past few weeks. I've read so many articles and blogs and ridiculously extreme Facebook posts around the concept. All of course stemming from the now infamous article in The Atlantic by Anne-Marie Slaughter.


The original article was meant (I believe) to point out some of the STILL existing double standards, judgments, and impossibilities revolving around professional women who are also mothers. It explains basic frustrations like the fact that it still seems acceptable for men to be gone on work trips for days at a time, but if a working woman can't get dinner on the table by 6, she's failing. The article points out that in most places, in most jobs, women still make less money than men. The article was meant to address some of these types of issues as well as give a nod to the intense pressure of being a professional woman and mother. It also addressed some lies that women who have gone before us have told (I'm looking at you Boomers) and expectations they have set up about how we should be able to have it all. It is a confessional article; one woman's perspective based on her experiences with a few statistics and facts dabbled in. The article is well constructed and aimed at a certain demographic of women (highly educated, high-level professionals) but struck a nerve with a lot of people due to the obviously timely delivery. Slaughter's article has made "having it all" theeee phrase of 2012. 

That's it?

I can't ignore the topic anymore. As the discussion keeps rolling out, I've decided that it's time to share my thoughts and hopefully start a conversation about having it all.


Don't yell at me for my less than feminist opinion here, but.....I don't really believe that anyone can have it all. And now for my judgmental opinion...why are you even trying to have it all!? And now for my oblivious opinion...what does having it all even mean!?


Sometimes I think that when we talk about having it all, we are really talking about wanting things to be easy. Not having to make choices, because choices come with consequences. Even in our daily tasks we cannot have it all. If you choose the pizza for lunch, you cannot have the body you want. If you choose a yoga class over coffee with a friend, you cannot have the emotional connection that you want. It is natural and normal for us to choose what we want most on a day to day basis and live with the consequences. The problem is that when it comes to life, some of us don't know what we want, or better yet, we are not in a place to be able to choose what we do think we want. And worse yet...our minds change!

A game indeed.

This of course, coming from a person with...well...almost "nothing." Full disclosure here: If you have been reading this blog you should know a little about me. I'm a single 33 year old woman who was fired from my chosen career only to be thrust into unemployment until I started working at Starbucks because they pay above minimum wage and offer benefits to part time employees. (Pardon the shameless plug...I loved working there.)  I spent my free time at Starbucks too, filling out job applications and networking for something, ANYTHING that might use one of my 3 degrees. I ended up as an adjunct at a community college, (adjunct equals no security at all) when the opportunity to come to China and teach for a year presented itself. I took it, not because it paid well, but because of the experience. 


In the last 3 years I went from making almost 50K a year to bringing in 12K last year, and this year, I will ring in at a whopping 10K. I owe over 60K in student loans. The last thing I am aiming for in my life is having it all. I would like to be able to pay my bills and have a full time job again at some point. My life is packed away in a storage unit in my hometown and has been for over 2 years. I'd love to move out of my parents house (did I mention I live with my parents?) at some point, but that seems impossible at the moment. I'd like to get married some day. I might want to have kids, I think. But those things seem a little out of my control, so I avoid spending a lot of time daydreaming/fretting over them. By Slaughter's standards and probably yours too...I have next to nothing. Oh, and also, I'm overweight.


And here's my secret...I'm happy. 


Because a while back I heard something that changed my life. "Comparison is the thief of joy." And ALL seems less important to me than JOY. Yes I have relapses of envy and moments of wanting! But for the most part, I have changed the "scorecard" of my life. Instead of checking off college, career, husband, house and kids. I have checked off, college, travel, college, travel, travel, career, college, travel, career change, good friend...etc. Choosing joy is not always easy. It certainly takes more effort on some days. In no way am I condoning being fake about your life or pretending you have no problems. That's just hiding, which hurts everyone and keeps you from having real friends around when you need them. I am simply suggesting that if you stop yourself from measuring your life against someone else's, it really is freeing. Let the fact that you spent time in Europe in college count for something. Or be glad that your kids are polite even though they are messy. Or that your husband is home for dinner even though you can't afford that vacation this year. These things matter in big ways. Let them.

Life changing.

The pressure put on us comes from US. Ourselves of course, but unfortunately, more often from each other. There have definitely been times that my friends (and mother) have drilled me about dating or not dating and there have been other times that people have suggested that I just take the clerical job that pays consistently so that I can get back on my feet. And as much as I have tried to appreciate their concerns, I have been frustrated by their lack of understanding that my life doesn't have to look like theirs. As soon as I found the freedom to say that and believe it, I learned that most women have begun to rejoice with me in it and set themselves free too! My mother seems more proud of me today (though I know she wants grandchildren) than ever. Older friends envy my freedom to travel and take opportunities like China, they tell me they are living vicariously through me. Women my age are more brutal but tend to not be great advocates for marriage and kids and consistent jobs as they complain on Facebook or present their lives negatively at almost every turn. This just makes it easier to tune them out. I hear their words to me as a pleading..."come join me in my exhaustion!" I just watched an entire season of Desperate Housewives, uninterrupted. I'm good. 


Here's the thing...having it all is a lie, not because it's truly impossible, but because it implies that there's always something more to have. And as long as you are seeking, you can't really be still and enjoy what you actually have. Please, change your scorecard to match your life! Let walking the dog at night count for something instead of yelling at yourself for not making it to the gym. If your kid doesn't make perfect grades or behave the way you want her to, don't fill the house with turmoil because so and so's kid has it together. Stop judging your life, stop trying to control everything to get perfect results. Give yourself, and those around you, some grace. 


Here I am. Let it sink in. 10K. No house. Single. No kids. No full time job. Is this the life I dreamed about? Not even close. Do I have ambition, of course! I'm always working toward something. But I refuse to waste my time focusing on what is lacking. And I hope hope HOPE that you can look at your life, whether you chose it or whether it just happened to turn out this way, and find the joy in all that you do have.

Your Turn...Talk to me about Having It ALL! 

Do you want it all? 

Do you think you already have it all? 
How do you measure your life? 

Do you judge people who don't live the way you do?

And, what did you think about Slaughter's article?